It is the 21st of the month which means it’s two months till my 21st birthday and two days till I move to Poland. 21 is also my lucky number so I have high hopes for my 21st year of life. It’s interesting how just when I’m about to be able to legally buy my own alcohol in America I’m moving back to Europe where 21 is just another insignificant age. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished up to this point but I also understand how I raise so eyebrows with people thinking I am be too young and naïve to pass for a teacher. I know for a fact I am both of those things, but perhaps less so than a year ago. Less than a year ago at this time I was 19 and preparing to leave for a Florence, Italy for my first solo trip. I didn’t even know if I’d enjoy teaching or enjoy being so far away from home. I couldn’t leave my anxieties at home so I had to pack them in with the rest of my luggage and pray that the inevitable breakdown of “what the hell was I thinking?” would be bearable. I find myself neatly folding those same anxieties again and stuffing them into my carry-on since they go where I go and cannot be forgotten as easily as my toothbrush.

There’s a lot of uncertainties going into this and I find myself asking a lot of questions that begin with the daunting word; “why?”. Why can’t I just be content with America? Why was moving to Italy not in the cards for me? Why do I struggle so much with making and keeping friends? Why do I want to be a teacher? Oh and also, why Poland? People look at me a little funny when I tell them I’m moving to Poland. I think the funnest and easiest answer to the question of “Why are you moving to Poland?” is, “Cause I can”. That’s it. I think it’s so much easier to focus on the things I can’t do rather than get excited about the things I can do. Right now I can’t move to Italy, speak a second language fluently, get a bachelor’s degree without thousands of dollars of debt, travel the world with enormous amounts of money. Maybe someday I’ll be able to do some of the things I can’t do now but then there will be other things I can’t do because never in my life will there be a point when I can do absolutely everything I can think of. I find that I am extraordinarily fortunate in the crazy, unorthodox things I am able to do right now, even before I’m able to simply walk into a American supermarket and buy my own goddamn wine. So maybe “You can do anything!” isn’t my life motto. Rather I believe that you should be thankful and embrace the things you can do without having to give a reason why and let that defy the anxiety created by the list of things you can’t do.

So maybe I don’t have all the answers. And I sure as hell wouldn’t claim to know what I’m doing right now. I don’t have a perfectly mapped out 5 year plan like I used to but right now I have a plan for what I’m going to do these last 2 days in America, and right now that’s good enough for me.